Fr. Michael Dwyer (Fruit of Medjugorje” #63)

Fr-Michael-Dwyer.pdf

Video FM 63 (Easter 2013) [starting 03 min 52 sec]

First of all, it’s nice to be able to talk to all of you.

My name is father Mike Dwyer, I’m coming from Windsor, Ontario, Canada. I’ve been coming here since 1988. I met Michael [Nolan] ten years ago when I talked to a bunch of Notre Dame kids. (…) So I’ve been coming since 1988. It will be twenty five years this October.

I was going to share a little bit of a testimony, of a story about myself.

I was born on January 26, 1961. My Dad was a teacher, eventually he became a vice-principal, my Mom was a nurse. They met in Goose Bay, Labrador.

As I went to school they found out that I had different handicaps. They noticed I had speech problems. As a matter of fact, when I was at school I had to go to speech therapy. I had coordination problems. I still couldn’t swing a bat at ten or eleven years of age. I couldn’t ride a bike until I was twelve or thirteen. With speech problems you could barely understand me. I’d be talking either too quickly or baby talk. It was very difficult. I had difficulty pronouncing words, I’d only baby talk. And so kids used to make fun of me, because they couldn’t understand me.

I had problems with my feet. I had two flat feet. Whenever I’d be walking a block I’d have to sit down because of the problems I had. I used to have to wear these hated red boots that would center me out, but it was the only way that I could be walking.

And it was a difficult time. Because of these handicaps I was made fun of. I also had various disabilities. My mind would operate like a computer - not like a computer – like a switchboard. I wish it would operate like a computer! It would be wonderful. But like a switchboard. My mind would be thinking about what someone was saying two minutes ago when someone was talking now, and it’s a little difficult to learn that way.

As the result of not being able to walk long distances or not being able really to play sports - because it’s a little bit difficult when you’re trying to play soccer, kick the soccer ball and run at the same time, very difficult - or you’re trying to swing a bat [and you fail] - and I was made fun of a lot in the school, an awful lot.

Now you guys are very lucky, because anyone who’s got handicaps they get help in their class, they are all part of the class. When I grew up anybody who had learning disabilities would be picked up in a bus and they would pick up the rest of the people from different schools and take them to an area to get help. I used to ride with people who were mentally handicapped. I remember I used to walk round the school area and people used to say, ‘Fatso! Retard!’ And I felt so alone. And they used to chase me round the school yard saying that.

Because of the learning disabilities I had, when they were picking groups – they do it in classes – I hated that, I hated groups, because I’d be the last one to be picked. And I remember I used to always hear these people say - these people who were good with marks - ‘Now we’re gonna get a low mark! Why do we have to have him?’ And I just smiled, but deep down there was a sore going in my heart. And what a pain.

And because I had problems with swinging a bat or disabilities of coordination, I was not good at sports, so whenever they picked a sports team I was always the last person. And ever the same comment when they picked me. Always there would be someone who could say, ‘Whoa, we gonna lose because of him!’ And when I played soccer the team would spend the time kicking the ball waiting for me, so I wouldn’t touch it. And it felt awful. It was so much pain. How many times did I go home at night and cried. How many times did I go home at night and say, ‘Lord, why? What did I do?’

My older sister used to get in fights trying to come to my defence. But in my soul it felt so painful, I kept saying, ‘Lord where are You?’

And I guess part of the reason for sharing this with you, especially young people, is, I know what it feels like to have handicaps. And only by the grace of God did I overcome. I wasn’t supposed to make it to high school let alone University. And I guess I make an appeal to you, not just these young people but all of you, if you know anybody with handicaps reach out to them. It’s not their fault. I mean they might not be the best person academically, but it’s not their fault. Unless they are not doing their best, and most of them are doing their best, they just can’t achieve it. It’s not their fault that they are not the best athlete and they feel so alone when people make fun of them.

There was one guy, his name was Kevin. He was a bully and everyone was kind of scared of him, but I loved Kevin, because whenever Kevin would pick his sports team he’d be picking me as the first one. And to this day I still remember him. Kevin died very tragically in an accident in grade nine. And I still remember Kevin and I pray for him always. I don’t know what good he has done for anybody else but I hope he gets to Heaven just for what he did for me. And I’m sure he’s in there right now interceding for me. I’m looking forward to meeting him and seeing him.

So part of this message, and I’m cutting it a little short, is that you need to understand how much God needs each one of you as His instrument to reach out to those people who have these learning disabilities, or physical disabilities, because it’s not their fault. And see, they’re not going to tell any of us what pain they’re going through, because if they do there’ll always be someone in a group that will make fun of you, laugh at you, so that they can even hurt you more. They are not going to let you on that they feel rotten every day. ‘Why me? Why? What did I do to deserve this?’ It feels so bad.

I hated writing on a chalkboard, because I was rotten at it. And I still to this day hate it. My grade six teacher was a wonderful person, she felt so bad when she did this, but [one day] she called me in front of the classroom in her first couple of days there - she had us do some sort of writing, and she pulled [mine] up, sent it up and said, ‘This is grade two! Come on up, you just made this up, you weren’t doing your best’. She thought I was just goofing around. And I said, ‘Miss, but this is the best I can do’, with tears in my eyes. And then she felt like this [‘very tiny’] because she had no idea that that was the best I could do - that actually in grade two would do. And then she became one of my biggest allies. The only reward I ever won in great school was ‘The Most Improved Award’ and that was from her.

I used to be picked on in school a lot so [one day] I had enough. I never wanted to get in fights because I’d be beat up. With this coordination [problem] you just get nailed, and lose in the fight. Remember we’re talking about great school, where they can hurt each other badly.

So I had enough and I arranged to have a fight with one guy after school in the schoolyard, because I had enough of him picking on me. And you know what happened. I was all geared up, ready to get in the fight with him. I’ve had enough of being picked on, and I was just about ready to fight him. And all of a sudden there’s a car that screeches its tires, a woman comes running out, grabs a hold of her son, starts hitting him and saying, ‘What are you fighting a right retard for?’ She starts beating him. I felt like that [‘very tiny’]. I didn’t let on but I felt like that. I was kind of relieved but I also felt like that.

But it’s only by the grace of God that I overcame these handicaps. The fact of me even standing up here speaking is an act of God. You call it ‘a miracle’, I use the word ‘an act of God’. And I believe I am speaking on behalf of these people who can’t speak for themselves. Someone with handicaps or Down’s syndrome person, what have they done that makes them different than you and I, then someone who could get a 100 % and hit 60 home runs? Nothing. It’s only if you don’t do your best. That’s the only time that you can actually be judging anybody. And I know the pain, I know the tears. And the fact that you’re even hearing this story now, I believe it’s God that’s using me as an instrument to reach out, speaking on behalf of people who can’t speak for themselves, who aren’t able to. Because I tell you, you can’t make yourself vulnerable.

So please if you hear anything reach out to these people and don’t listen to what they say. That’s why when anybody says that they’ve got it all together and that everything is ok, I really doubt it. Because I’ve been down that road. I’ve gone down that road. And I’ve said it, maybe for different reasons. But usually nobody has it together. They may be saying it because they are trying to protect themselves, because they’ve been hurt so much.

So that’s my commentary, my ‘editorial’. I just make that appeal to you.

So, continuing my story. By the time I was in grade eight, my great desire was to go on to high school and then to University. In order to do that you had to go on a five year program. And my Dad was a vice principal in a public school. When he got a teaching job, years before that, to teach in a Catholic school was half of amount as it would be in a public school, so he taught in a public high school and became a vice principal. The reason I’m saying that is, forty years ago when I was finishing grade eight, anything that school said was law. And everybody respected that. I don’t know if you remember those times or not. So they recommended that I go on a four year program instead of a five year program because of my learning disabilities and because they [thought] if I went to a five year program I would do lousy and I wouldn’t be able to complete it. But my dream was to go out to University and become a history teacher and get married and have all these kids and all gamut, and I’d eventually some day enter into politics. That was my dream.

But what happened was, I came home and said, ‘Dad they won’t let me go off to University, I won’t be able to do it! They’re recommending a four year program!’ I was sobbing! And my Dad went to this school and told this school – he wasn’t intimidated, because he used to work with them – and he said, ‘Let Mike take the course, and if Mr Dwyer is going to fail, then let him fail. He deserves a right to fail. Let him take it’. They let me go on a five-year program!

And it was a struggle. But you see what started happening, strangely, unbeknown to anybody, it was a gradual process, but a lot of these handicaps started to disappear or lessen. And over a period of time, a lot of the physical handicaps, coordination or other stuff, eventually were either overcome or lessened a lot. The same with the learning disability. I struggled in the high school but I finished it with the 73.3 average - the five-year program - and that was enough to get me into University. And I was really pleased with it. I still call it ‘an act of God’, because it was my desire to go out to University, and it was only God’s desire and His will. Some days I sit back and say, ‘Why me? Why was I able to overcome these handicaps?’ If you could have heard me speak, there’s no [greater] contrast. And it was nothing human beings did, but only an act of God.

And same with the learning disabilities. I was able to finish high school with the 73.3 average and go out to the University after this, and as a matter of fact finish University with the same average, which is again something. But again I think one of the reasons why God allowed me to overcome all this is so that I can talk to you about what it’s like to be in that situation, and maybe if you’re going through it now or you know someone else who is going through it, you can be that instrument of God.

So when I finished high school my big desire was to apply to the seminary. I felt the call to be a priest. But after I applied to it, filled up all the forms, I said, ‘I can’t become a priest, get married and have ten or twelve kids… so forget it!’ So I went to [collect] my application – I had all these references. I called the rector of the seminary saying, ‘I’m withdrawing it, I don’t want to go in. Forget this, this does not correspond with what I want to do’. So I just [left]. I said, ‘I’m going to University and I’m going to get my degree, become a teacher, some day enter politics, get married and have ten or twelve kids’. It was my great intention in my mind. So I said, ‘Forget all this’. I put it out of my mind.

But at the same time as I began University, two things entered my mind. One, I was going to die at a very young age. And the second thing, I was going to try enter the seminary. At least after I was done at the University I was going to try the seminary. Two things on my mind. Once my University degree was done I was going to try the seminary. But I just pushed it out of my mind. But just in case I did try the seminary I took some courses that would allow me to go into the theology, just in case. But in my thoughts I was fighting it totally.

And it was a great time when I was at University. It was the best time of my life. Because nobody knew me, so I was accepted by everybody. And again I didn’t want to belong to any group, my group consisted of Mary, Jesus and myself, I didn’t want to belong to any group. So I had my own group and my own thing with many people. And that’s one of the reasons why I’m very grateful for the things that happened to me while I was growing up.

But when I was at University I belonged to “The Right To Life” group, I was president of the University Pro-life, and the reason I got involved with “The Right To Life” was that I realized, if I’d lived in a time that we do now, and they found out that I had handicaps, and I had parents who didn’t want me to have handicaps, I could be dead. And how many children are dying in the womb because they are unfortunate to have some form of handicaps. That’s the only thing they’ve done wrong to deserve death. So they’re killed by their parents and other people.

So I got very active in “The Right To Life” and became president of the University group. It was a wonderful experience.

And if you think of abortion, if I start counting [to the boys in the front row] – one, two, three, four – number five, you should be dead, you shouldn’t be sitting here. I think this is the law of figure. Every fifth pregnancy ends in abortion. That’s how bad it is. So next time you sit in a group of four, [remember] there should be a number five there. One time I told this to a grade eight group, and I was absolutely shocked, I’d never looked at their prayers of the faithful for their graduation [Mass] but one of the prayers was for each of their classmates who should be here but who are dead because of abortion. There was thirty-two in the class. That sent a shockwave through my system, because in reality in every class of 32 there should be another eight people. It sounded horrible.

So at University I was involved in doing all that and I majored in history because I had my best mark and I loved it. The only problem was, as I was going out with different people I couldn’t get too serious, because in the back of my mind I knew I was going to have to try the seminary. And I would push it out of my mind, start dating someone else, it couldn’t get too serious, because it came back, it came back again and again. So when I was down in University, I decided I’d try the seminary to get it out of my system. I was just going to do one year at the seminary and then leave. Get it out of my system and leave when I’ve done it.

As a matter of fact, when I applied to the seminary, there was supposed to be a 45 minute interview and a psychological assessment for about 45 minutes. My interview took an hour and a half for both the psychological one and the interview at the seminary, because I figured if I tell them everything about myself they are going to reject me. So I even kept my apartment at the University in case they rejected me at the seminary - which I thought they would. And I was so shocked when fr. Henry (who was then a priest, now he’s a bishop), he said, ‘Michael I have some good news for you’. I said, ‘What’s that?’ – ‘You’ve been accepted in the seminary’. My response was, ‘You got to be kidding!’

So I tried the seminary, and it was with the idea of leaving after a year. I fought it every inch of the way. But as I continued to fight it, I started to feel more at peace. And I struggled a lot. But because I struggled and I [was] challenged so much, by the time I was ordained to be a priest, I was so happy that I was ordained. And I had no doubts that God was calling me. I was ordained, I was so happy, I had no doubts that God was calling me, it was such a beautiful gift.

But the key thing is His calling me. I am a priest today because He’s calling me. It does not matter what you do as long as you respond to the call of God. And so, someone says, ‘I want to be happy’. Then do what God is calling you to. It does not matter whether you’re called to be a priest, or get married. Michael has these six children, maybe more in the future, maybe six more, if you want twelve. But it does not matter as long as you do the will of God. Whether you’re a priest, you’re married or a single man.

My aunt who just died recently, she did so much work for God. She is the most beautiful person, a single vocation, and such a beautiful gift from God. But again, the key is to do the will of God and to hear the voice of God. Because that’s what makes you happy. And it’s not just [entering] priesthood or getting married, it’s doing it every single day.

And that’s one of the things the Lord taught me as I was getting older. I was trying to do His will every single day. And that’s what I did at the seminary. I fought it, but I discerned it over a period of time.

And when I got ordained on May 2, 1987, it was one of the happiest times. But also one of the saddest, because my Dad was in a hospital at that time with a very bad heart, he was dying, eventually he was to die about a year later. And he wasn’t at my ordination, he was in a hospital. As a matter of fact, immediately after my ordination I went to the hospital to give him a special blessing on my way to the seminary for a reception. And when the priest’s families bring up their gifts, when my Dad would be bringing up the gifts, my Mom brought them alone, because my Dad was in a hospital.

Before I got ordained - two days before I got ordained or a week before that - my Dad told my Mom, even if he was to die before that, my ordination was to go ahead. And I knew that in those circumstances it wasn’t to be canceled. That’s how bad he was, even though he survived a little bit more than a year after that.

So when I got ordained to be a priest it was such an exciting time because a whole future was ahead of me. But yet, in the back of my mind was - remember the two things I felt. One of them was, ‘you gonna try the seminary’, the second was, ‘you are going to die at a very young age’. That was so strong for me.

My first assignment was temporary. The second permanent assignment took place at the end of June, so the bishop was giving us two months off. First he gave us a temporary assignment, and mine was in the Sacred Heart parish. So I went to this parish and it was during this time that I got to know one family really well, and we became close. And then I got assigned to another parish that was called ‘Mary Immaculate’. It was in London [Canada], about half an hour from my previous parish.

But always in the back of my mind was, ‘Mike you’re going to die at a very young age’. And I felt so strongly about it, I guess I was doing 18 hours a day. When I saw the secretary several years later she still remembered that. Because instead of the newly ordained priest traveling the circuit, visiting everybody and all, I was going night and day because I just knew I did not have time left. There was just that certainty.

I used to drive my Mum crazy [saying] ‘I know I’m going to be dead before I’m thirty or thirty three’. I was just going night and day, because the closer I was getting to the event that was to happen, inside of myself I knew something was going to happen and I didn’t have time left. So I was going night and day. It’s like you have so very little time to accomplish so much. If you’ve ever been in a situation of doing an [exam] paper, you’ve got all this work to do in a short period of time. That’s the way I felt with my life.

And again, I would push it aside. Because every time I’d be saying, ‘I haven’t got much time left’, I was pushing it aside. Forget that I said that.

 

So that’s what happened. It was the beginning of October. It was a Wednesday morning. I walked into the church. It was on Tuesday night that the church was broken into. The Tabernacle was on the floor, it was behind the altar. I remember walking – rushing behind the altar – I brought some Hosts back. I don’t know how many Hosts there were in the Tabernacle. It was open, and someone made it look like none of the Hosts were taken. There were candles right around the Tabernacle. But there were Hosts that were taken. We believe there were Hosts that were taken for devil worship. Someone broke into the church to get into the Tabernacle…

I was devastated, because the Tabernacle was open, candles all around it, and I knew the Hosts [were taken]. I couldn’t believe that anybody would do such an evil. I remember running to it - I was just devastated by it.

So that Sunday we had Exposition of the Eucharist in sorrow for what had happened, and we were going to have it after the 12 o’clock Mass until 9 o’clock at night.

After the 12 o’clock Mass I ended up standing up before the people, just before I placed Jesus on the altar.

Can you imagine a newly ordained priest standing in front of everyone, saying, ‘I want you to know, I’ve never been as happy as since I’ve been ordained to be a priest’? And so many things have happened to me, but I’ve never been as happy as since I’ve been ordained to be a priest.

And then I left – I placed Jesus on the altar. And then about three o’clock that afternoon I had to leave, to go visit those friends of mine who I was close to in that Sacred Heart parish. But before I left, I went in front of the Tabernacle – so I was in front of Jesus in the monstrance and I said the following thing to Jesus.

I said, ‘Jesus, I’ve had enough. As much as I’ve been happy since I’ve been ordained, I’ve had enough when someone did this, broke into the church. Please can You come and get me, take me Home’. And then all of a sudden – it was like the time was suspended. I’ll never forget – it was like the time was suspended, and the thought that came to me was, ‘Michael I’d take you home in a moment, except there’s work I want you to do, I want you to bring My Love to My people’. And it’s like the time waited for my decision - for me to make the decision. That decision would profoundly affect me for the rest of my life. I didn’t understand it - [it was] like the time was suspended, as God was waiting for my answer. ‘I’d take you home in a moment, except there’s work I want you to do, I want you to bring My Love to My people’.

Then I said the following thing. I said to Jesus, ‘I love You, I promise I will stay here as long as You want me to’. Then all of a sudden, everything began.

I thought this was strange, I could really sense God’s Presence - this was strange that was happening.

But I had to go rush off to visit my friends. So I went by a back route to get to that place. When I got to their place they were having a turkey dinner. It was the night before Thanksgiving in Canada, so all of a sudden I was having turkey dinner. I didn’t have any glass of wine because I knew I had to get back to the church, I didn’t want any alcohol in my system. I was finishing up, and then all of a sudden I looked at my watch and saw I’ve got to get back to the church. They told me that the road I was used to going was under construction, and I didn’t have the time to go back by the route that I’d just come in. So their son who just got his license, he was only 16 years of age, offered to lead me by a different route.

So I got in my car and I figured I was going to drive with his sister I was very close to. When I was [in my first] parish after one of weekday Masses I invited this family to come and to have pizza. Then all of a sudden I started having insights into what a special faith this young lady had. And we became very close as friends, certainly with a whole family, but especially with herself. So I was going to ask her to ride with me and I would just drop her off at Highway 2. But as I got in my car, I was going to ask her to drive with me, my lips were glued. Like this. That’s what it felt like. I couldn’t utter a single word! It was bizarre! I didn’t understand it, it was totally bizarre. I couldn’t utter a single word. And I didn’t have time to think about it, except I didn’t invite her because I couldn’t, I couldn’t say a single word.

I got in my car (…) and I started following this guy, her brother. It was a winding road which I’ve never been on. I remember his going really quickly and I wished he would slow down a little bit, because I was scared. But I had to follow him because I had to get back to the highways, I had to get back in time for Benediction. Even though I wasn’t doing it, I had to get back in time for it.

So as he started making these turns, at one big turn I started thinking back to this experience I had in the church, when I asked Jesus to take me home and when I had this sense of God’s Presence. I started to make this turn, and the next thing I saw - I started hearing a horn and I saw lights on top of me, screaming as I went to my right.

I guess that young lady turned around and she saw the car. Theу stopped near Highway 2 and they turned on to it, and I thought it was the same winding road, the continuation of it, and I got in front of a van that was going a hundred kilometers an hour, and I was going very slow and no chance to slow down, hitting directly into where driver was.(…).

She told her brother, ‘You go check the other vehicle and check father Mike’. The road was like [covered with] ice, there was glass all over. She rushed over to my car, found my glasses flown about ten feet away from it, and found myself inside the car lying unconscious on the passenger seat. And my driver’s seat was where the emergency brake was, the emergency brake was pushed in, and I was lying unconscious on the passenger’s seat.

Without thinking she got into the driver’s seat and cleaned the glass off me. She put my head on her lap and tried to revive me – and obviously she could sense no breathing and she thought for sure I was dead. But she stayed with me. It was a complete shock. She said, ‘Father Michael, I love you,’ - it was like a goodbye. Imagine holding a body of somebody, cradling it in your arms - and her words were, ‘Father Mike I love you’, it was like a goodbye because she sensed no breathing.

As I told you, the last thing I remember as I was screaming going to my right - I was below this tunnel, there was infinite space, it was - just infinite space. It was so beautiful. I felt so peaceful. I knew at the end of that tunnel was God. I knew I’d have to go through a time of purification. Then I had an insight of what Purgatory was like. It’s like two young people going out to a mud fight, and then they come up and say, ‘Mom and Dad we’re really sorry please forgive us’. Mom and Dad will say, ‘You’re forgiven, but before you come into the house you have to get washed clean’.

I’d just gone to Confession so I knew I would enter Heaven, but I’d have to go through a time of purification. Because every sin that we committed has an effect on us, unless we experience a purification either through suffering, penance or what we’re going to experience with Divine Mercy this coming Sunday. We’ll be washed totally clean if we do everything we’ve been asked to do. It’s a gift from Heaven. But if you don’t go through that, you have to go through a time of purification, of washing clean, until you enter Heaven. So only the pure shall enter eternal paradise. And that’s what happens. This is not a horrible thing, it’s a necessary thing. So I knew I would see God even if I’d have to go through this purification, in the end of that was Heaven.

I knew that because of my death people would be upset. I realized that my Mom would go through a very difficult time, my Dad would help her, he would help her before he died, he’ll get through it but he would die a lot earlier because of my death. I knew one person in particular would end up rejecting her faith because of my death. And I remember thinking, if people love me and they believe I’m with God, why would they turn away from God? And if they believe I’m in Heaven, why would they turn away from God if they believe I’m with God? It just didn’t make any sense! If you believe someone is with God, why would you turn away from God? And I remember thinking, if people only knew how happy I was they would be happy for me.

I realized that life was a flicker. Just everyone do this [flicking fingers]. That’s what life is like compared to eternity. And I think if only I’d known that I would have been willing to take chances. Like you would have never seen me standing up in front of you and talking and sharing this experience, because… just no way! Because you know we waste all this time, right? Whereas life is like a flicker compared to eternity. If I‘d known that, I would have been more willing to take more chances to share my faith, know more of other people. See, even as a priest, you’re always concerned about what other people think. We all get affected, in every vocation. You can be priest or married. You can be responding to God just like married people or single people respond to God. We all have the same struggles, maybe different ones but we all have struggles, and so many are similar.

So if I’d know that, I’d be more willing to take more chances, to share my faith. You’re willing do those things, when you realize that life is this short compared to eternity.

And you’d think that people would throw away eternity for this? [flicking fingers] And how many people are doing it, committing grave sin! How many people throw their souls away, for different relationships with people! But anyway - that’s another story. I just realized if I’d known that, it would have changed me.

But then I knew I would be going through that tunnel. What was strange when I came to, I had these images of the Three Thrones. I remembered being below this tunnel. It was so beautiful, so peaceful. I knew in time I would remember more and more of what had happened. Because I couldn’t understand the Three Thrones that I saw. It was so beautiful. But over the last 25 years I remembered more and more of it and I’d like to tell you what I’ve remembered since then.

I did go through that tunnel, and I did stand in front of God. And when we stand in front of God – I know this, even if I don’t remember the experience – when we stand in front of God everything is seen. There’s no such thing as hiding anything. No thought, no action. And what happens when we stand in front of God, God shows us everything as it is, and all we know, all we can say is, ‘Yes, it’s right’. Whatever the judgment – it’s right. There’s no point in trying to hide anything, because we can’t hide anything when we stand in front of God. It’s all going to be revealed, there’s no hiding with God whatsoever. So if you tried to hide things on earth, it’s just no point [in Heaven]. And we don’t want to, when we stand in front of God.

So when we stand in front of God, all this is revealed, and we [go through] a period of purification. And I remember when I went through this tunnel at the entrance there was Our Lady. I didn’t see Her – I know I saw Her but I don’t remember Her – I know She was there. If I was to see Her right now I couldn’t handle it. But She was there. Actually She was there during the time of the purification helping me through it. But She was there at the entrance of the tunnel when I entered it, to lead me to Her Son Jesus.

And I remember different things. I met different people who I had known before, who had died, family members I never met. Again I know this, even though specific people I can’t recall because it would just drive me crazy if I did. But there were grandparents and other people I met that I knew that had died, and others I never knew. And you see all these people in Heaven. You see all these different saints that you dreamed of or you studied about, they’re all there greeting you and welcoming you. They’re all at the entrance and they are welcoming you home. It’s so beautiful. And as they welcome you, you begin to walk this journey, lead by Our Lady, to the Three Thrones.

And that’s what I remembered at the very beginning, there were the Three Thrones. And also there was the Fourth Throne that was empty. And I realized that the Fourth Throne was Our Lady’s, She was next to Jesus. And the Three Thrones are the Father, The Son and the Holy Spirit. And it’s so beautiful, so complete, it’s beyond any words to describe. This singing, these praises of God, you just feel so complete and so happy. It’s just beyond any words to describe. The closest word is ‘completeness’ - ‘contentment’. Just everything that is right.

But then I knew I had to go back because of that promise I made to God. Remember when I asked the Lord to take me home, and He said to me – remember, [when] time was suspended – ‘I’d take you home in a moment except there’s work I want you to do, I want you to bring My Love to My people’. And because of that statement, when I said, ‘Lord I promise to stay here as long as You want’, I knew I had to go back. I had to go back because of that promise.

And I left - it was difficult. I remember waking up in the ambulance and looking at my feet and knowing something was terribly wrong.

The next year was one of the most difficult years of my life. I won’t go on and on with it, but [I’d say just that] it was difficult.

But I will tell you about one experience that happened to me. I was in the hospital. If you look at my left toot, it is a little bit shorter than my right, because I broke what they call the neck of the femur, the part that holds on to the joint, and my left leg is five inches shorter. And I also had a hairline fracture and a mild to severe concussion, because my brain hit the inside of my scull, it was such an impact. I don’t remember anything about the first couple of days in the hospital, I was so dried up with the concussion and all that. But after about a week and a half, I started to have pains in my chest. They did surgery immediately, they put a plate in my leg so that the neck of the femur would heal, but I started having pains in my chest.

And eventually my Mom discerned it was caused by blood clots. I was saying, no it’s just a pulled muscle. And my Mom was not a happy camper, she was a nurse. She told me ever since, ‘If you ever get sick don’t call on me again!’ I was the worst patient she ever had! And she was there. But my Mom had to go home because my Dad was [ill] and my brother had to go through a surgery, on his teeth or something, and she couldn’t stay. So I [was] left alone. Before she left they tried to have me walk on these parallel bars. I remember walking on these parallel bars and I almost passed out. I remember her saying, ‘Please take Mike back to his room’, and that person was arguing with her and she said, ‘Shut your mouth and take him back to his room’. I had all these pains - almost passing out.

Then the night after my Mom had left, she was talking to my sister. My sister took a week from work which was two hours away. She said, ‘How is Mike doing?’ And my Mom told her, ‘He’s got a pulled muscle but he should be ok’. But out of the blue my sister decided ‘I got to come back to trauma and see how Mike is’. Just something took over.

She came back to London [Canada], that’s where I was in a hospital, and she saw me and saw that my condition deteriorated really badly. She demanded that I see a doctor. It took some hours before they finally sent a doctor up and the doctor was saying ‘It’s just a pulled muscle’, and she argued with him, and finally a nurse intervened and said, ‘Why don’t we take a blood supply and see what his oxygen level is?’ And they [saw] I was getting only 50 % oxygen in my lungs.

Then she had to go back home, to [Carleton], two hours away, and they diagnosed me with blood clots. 50 % of my lungs had filled up with blood clots.

And then they came in and told me – I’ll never forget it – they told me that I had blood clots in both of my lungs. I asked them - I said my dream was to get back into the parish for Christmas, and celebrate the midnight Mass. And the response was, ‘Father we don’t know if you’re going to get back for Christmas, if you’re going to get back by March or ever, if you’re going to leave this hospital alive. Your condition is not good’.

They left the room after telling me this. I was just devastated. And the thought that entered my mind was, ‘Mike why don’t you turn away from God and turn towards me? What good has God done for you? You’ve been ordained to be a priest and all these things have happened, and your Dad’s suffering, and your suffering’s causing everybody to suffer. Why don’t you turn towards me and follow me? He causes all this suffering’.

And I think I was in a Catholic hospital because they had a crucifix. And I remember looking at this crucifix and realizing, if God caused my own suffering, He would have caused the death of His Own Son. And no father would cause the death that Jesus went through. No father who claimed to love his son would cause what Jesus went through. So I knew He wasn’t responsible for the death of His Own Son, and He wasn’t responsible for my own death. But I also remembered Jesus’s words, ‘Father why have you abandoned Me?’ And it was ok to question and say, ‘Why?’ But then I also remembered Jesus saying, ‘Father, into Your hands I commit My spirit’. And the Resurrection occurred three days later. And I remember saying to God, ‘I love You, I’ll stay here as long as You want. So if I come out of here in a coffin or whatever it is, I trust in You. I commit my life to You’.

And all of a sudden I started feeling so much peace. Things didn’t get better physically. The following day I developed a [high] fever, and they found it was because of another infection I had in my system. But at that point I started to change, because I knew that I put myself in the Hands of God.

And eventually I did get out of the hospital and by the way I did celebrate Midnight Mass, and for me it was the most incredible experience, going back into the parish after I was in the hospital for six weeks.

I was so nervous getting back in the parish. I’m walking on crutches. My left leg has only 25 percent strength and as I’m walking I can’t put any weight on it and I’m taking a short cut to the altar and they have this big choir in the church [singing]. I didn’t know what people were, I’m walking on crutches taking the short way, and then all of a sudden I hear this applause and this standing ovation. The choir stopped, they were drowned out and then joined the applause and joined in welcoming me. Because I was supposed to come out there in a coffin – and here I am walking.

That next year was one of the toughest years of my life, because I can’t tell you what it feels like to know that Heaven exists. Even though I’ve had bits and pieces of it, I knew that Heaven exists. And I wanted so much to get there. But I knew I was incapable of getting there, because Heaven is so beautiful, and I wanted to get there. And I said, ‘Lord how am I going to get there and I can’t on my own?’ Before I had the accident I could forget that Heaven exists. But [now] I could not forget, I knew that Heaven exists. I knew that God exists. And yet I was still that sinful person. At times I would try to forget about God, yet when I did I’d feel bad because I wanted to have God permanently, all the time, but it was such a struggle. And I wanted to get to Heaven, but I couldn’t. As I was in the hospital, and when I woke up in the ambulance, I kept saying, ‘Why did I choose to come back?’ That’s what I kept saying all that year after [the accident]. ‘Why did I choose to come back?’ I didn’t want to be back here! Because if you have a glimpse of Heaven, you don’t want to be here. And I don’t know how I am going to get back there. How am I going to get back to Heaven?! I knew that with my own sinfulness there was no way.

And this is where Medjugorje comes into.

I’d heard of Medjugorje through my aunt who just died recently and I read a book by fr. O’Dogerthy (…). I’d heard about Medjugorje. And I had no devotion to Our Lady. [Before] I had the accident, I used to tell people, ‘Be careful about your devotion to Our Lady, She is going to lead you away from Jesus’. I just had no devotion of any kind.

And I think what kept me in the middle of the road was my involvement in “The Right to Life” movement. And I had a tremendous love for Jesus in the Eucharist.

So I came back a different person. Lost and struggling. How am I going to get there on my own? I want to get to Heaven but I’m not going to be able to do it! Why did I choose to come back?! Why did I choose to come back? And how am I going to be that person You want me to be?

Each one of you can pretend that Heaven does not exist. But when you’ve seen it, what do you do? You still have your human tendencies, you still want to do the human things. And if I say life is like a flicker, it’s because I experienced it. So what am I going to do? How am I going to get there? I find it easy going to Confession, because I’m a sinner, I need God’s Mercy. I need to hear those words, ‘You’re forgiven!’ I need it! Because I know God exists. So what am I going to do?

And then - I had heard of Medjugorje. I used to say, ‘I’m only going to go to Medjugorje on [two] conditions’. I had no desire to go at all. I had a chance to go before the accident happened and I sent my pastor instead. And I told God I’d only go to Medjugorje if it didn’t cost me anything and if it was a time I could afford. Impossible conditions, right? [If it] didn’t cost me anything and if it was the time I could afford.

And so - that next year, I got a phone call in January of that year [1988] and it was someone who was looking for my former pastor. I said that he got moved and she said out of the blue, ‘Have you ever heard of Medjugorje?’ I said, ‘Yeah’. She said, ‘Would you be interested in going?’ I said, ‘What’s the day?’ She told me the day. So, the second big question, ‘What’s the cost?’ ‘For you, nothing, you’re going as a chaplain’. There goes my thing against [going]. ‘I guess I’m going’!

But yet I felt that God was going to give me something very special. Remember I felt lost. I felt like half the bridge was complete, and how am I going to get to the other side? It’s like you go down a bridge and look at the other side, yet there’s no bridge on the other side, half the bridge is complete, there’s this one part and then a fall. So how am I going to get to Heaven?

So I end up leaving for Medjugorje, knowing something deep was going to happen. But I convinced myself as I normally do, that’s just my imagination etc etc.

I left October the 11th 1988, which sure enough was exactly a year to the day that the accident happened. I arrived at the airport the exact minute that the accident happened, 8:13 [p.m.] - I looked at the watch a second before the accident happened to see [it was] 8:13. And I’m praying, really getting into all this stuff, because it was the anniversary of my accident. And I looked at my watch - the exact time we arrived at the airport was 8:13, exactly a year to the day to the moment.

So we arrived in Medjugorje October the 13th 1988. Unbeknown to me – I went through surgery on October the 13th 1987, that I didn’t find out until several years later. And unbeknown to me, as I had no devotion to Our Lady, that that was the day of the Miracle of the Sun at Fatima. And unbeknown to me, October the 11th in the old calendar before Vatican II used to be the Feast of Mary the Mother of God. See all these signs everybody? Our Lady’s kind of talking to me. I didn’t know any of this stuff until years after, until ten years after, in 1998, I bothered to look in my calendar book so I realized all this stuff. I didn’t realize it was happening at the time.

So we arrived in Medjugorje October the 13th 1988. And I had no intention of trying to come to say the Rosary, I had no intention even to come to the church. I was just going to help the group leader. I knew they had the Rosary at five o’clock. At that time the apparition was occurring at the choir loft in the church at twenty to six, I knew all that.

I’m walking with a cane, my left leg has only 25% strength of my right leg but a group of people literally picked me up and they put me in a taxi – in about half an hour or 20 minute cab ride from here – and they drove me to the church. I’m standing right in the back of the church, and there’s thousands of people outside. None of this was built at all, this was a completely different place in 1988. As a matter of fact, the place we stayed at had one washing for the entire floor. So it was far different than this.

So I’m standing in front of the church with the group of pilgrims and all of a sudden I hear this voice, at thirteen after five. It was a woman’s voice saying, ‘Michael, come into the church, I’d like to visit with you’. I wondered what was going on here.

So I left the group, went to the back of the church looking around and then all of a sudden a priest joins me and says, ‘Why don’t we go inside?’ We ended up going to the altar. We went through the sacristy doors. [pointing] Those doors weren’t there in that area, but there was a door that led into the sacristy. There were so many priests. They literally had priests sitting in front of the altar in the sanctuary. They had them sitting behind [the altar] and in front. And they led this priest I was with, to the front. And they kicked off the altar servers by the podium so that I could be sitting. Maybe because I had a cane and I wasn’t able to walk that much, they kicked them off, and I got a great view of the choir loft.

So I’m getting into the Rosary for the first time in my life. Before I went to Medjugorje I had to find a rosary because I didn’t have one available. Because I had no devotion to Our Lady. So why should I carry a rosary?

So I’m getting into the Rosary and for the first time in my life I’m really feeling the Presence of God. Then all of a sudden, at twenty to six out of the corner of my eye I notice one of the young people kneeling in the choir loft. And then the church went silent, and everyone turned around. And that’s the last thing that I remember, because when that person knelt all of a sudden I heard this most beautiful voice, this woman voice that [had] invited me to the church.

And She said a lot of things. Some I remember and I’ll share with you, and other things I don’t, and in time I’ll remember when it’s appropriate. But She told me that She had indeed led me to Medjugorje, because She had intervened at my near death experience as She had intervened with the children of Medjugorje. God gave Her permission to come here, because She wanted to be used and to use the children as an instrument to lead the people back to Her Son, and into a deeper relationship with Her Son. And if the children in Medjugorje had said ‘no’ to that invitation, nobody would ever have heard of Medjugorje – [or] very few people would have. They had a choice.

And She told me that She had intervened with Her Son at the time of my accident for the same reason, because She wanted to use me as an instrument to lead people back to Her Son and to lead people to a deeper relationship with Her Son, and therefore they can lead other people back. And She told me, because of Her intervention, Her intercession with Her Son, Jesus granted me more time. But I was given a choice. Remember that time when I said, ‘Lord take me home,’ and the Lord said, ‘I’d take you home except there’s work I want you to do, I want you to bring My Love to My people’. That was the choice that I was given. And if I had said, ‘No, I don’t care, take me home,’ – what would have happened?

She showed me a coffin in the church that I was at, Mary Immaculate, and in that coffin was me. Nobody would have ever known what had happened, nobody would have ever heard that this newly ordained priest was killed in an automobile accident. But because of my ‘yes’ God could do the work He wanted to do. And because of Her intercession.

She told me, because of my ‘yes’ I would suffer a lot, I would feel not at home. I would feel rejected. But She told me, because of that ‘yes’ I would experience suffering, but She would be very close to me. And that She loved me. Those words, ‘Michael I love you’, have radiated through my entire life. ‘Father Michael, I love you’, [those words] have changed my entire life – because I remember those. And that’s when I’ve fallen in love with Our Lady.

And there were other things that She revealed.

The next thing I knew that Mass was beginning – “In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit”. Twenty minutes have elapsed.

It was such an incredible experience. I couldn’t say anything to anybody afterwards.

Then some friends of mine, who came back from Italy, met some Italians, and these Italians knew the two people who could hear the voice of Our Lady but not see Her [two girls, Elena and Marjana]. And we ended up meeting them. These Italians were insisting, they wanted to take us over to meet this person who had locutions - Marijana I think it was. One of the two, who could hear the voice of Our Lady.

So we went to see them. And ok, I’m going. We end up skipping father Joso, because who cares about hearing father Joso? He was a priest in Medjugorje when the apparitions first occurred, he was the pastor. He initially didn’t believe in them, but because he had an experience of God, he became one of the biggest defenders of Medjugorje. And he was put into jail. I suppose when he was in jail Our Lady appeared to him. And he has a gift of reading people’s souls. So I heard about father Joso, but I wasn’t interested in meeting up with him. Our group went up to travel to Tihaljina to visit him, but I had no intention, so I went with one of my friends.

I wanted to see this Marijana. I walked in, and she centers me out and she says, ‘Father I know you’. I said, ‘It must be because I have a cane’. She said, ‘No, there’s something very special about you’. And my response was, ‘Leave me alone!’ I sat at the end of the table, didn’t utter a single word. Because that was the last thing I needed – especially after having that experience with Our Lady. I just wanted to be left alone.

And this Italian was very insisting. He said, ‘I want you to meet this father Joso. I’ll drive you guys and I want you to talk to him’. I just ignored him. Then we got to Tihaljina and we went to that church, father Jozo was there. I listened to him. He was pretty impressive, I was very moved by him. Then he finished his talk, and he left and he happened to bump into me sitting alone. And this Italian fellow said, ‘Did you talk to him?’ I said no. ‘You go talk to him’. (…)

And I said to God, ‘What am I supposed to say? This is father Joso!’ Then all of a sudden a thought came into my mind, ‘Tell him about your near death experience and ask him to pray for the strength in your priesthood’. Immediately the room was empty with the exception of two people, one person, a friend of mine, who speaks Italian, and someone who was in the back. And father Joso understands Italian, so my friend translated for me. I told father Joso about my near death experience. I remembered this was the priest who could read people’s souls. And his response was, ‘Indeed this is from God and we must pray’. And he spent about five or ten minutes praying with me. Then he left.

And then when I left Medjugorje, it was like the other half of the bridge was complete. When I went home [I felt] different inside. When I fell in love with Our Lady, I asked Her, and I still ask Her, ‘At the moment of my death please pick me up and place me in the arms of Your Son Jesus. I can’t get to Heaven on my own, but I want You at the moment of my death to place me in the arms of Your Son Jesus, because I’m not worthy’.

And part of the message I want to deliver with you is… I talked about reaching out to those with handicaps, and that’s one of the most important [messages], because God needs every single one of us. He hears the cry of every single person and you and I are called to be used as His instruments. And I want you to be a Kevin – if you remember anything [about him], be a Kevin. Reach out to that person that no one else will. Choose that person no one else will. Be a Kevin.

The second thing is that life is only a flicker in comparison to eternity and don’t think you’re going to live forever. And I look at young people - I was only 26 years of age, six months ordained, when I had the accident. I should have died! People die at different age. But we think when we’re young that we’re going to live forever. But we’re not. That is why I would dismiss the idea of dying at a young age. Don’t think you’re going to live forever. God needs you. Live that every single day. And Heaven exists. So live every single day as if it’s your last, because some day it will be your last.

Do you know what it’s going to be like, to stand in front of God? Part of the purification is standing in front of God, and Him showing you the things He wanted to do to help other people but couldn’t, because we were caught up doing our own thing. Then we say, ‘If I could just sit back and keep my mouth shut. Or if I did this I could have helped somebody, but I was preoccupied with something else’. Will you imagine standing in front of God, God showing us everything that He wanted to do? Then you see the suffering that’s associated with it. Or you see someone in hell or in purgatory that wouldn’t be there if we had said ‘yes’ to Him.

It’s something to be striving for. It’s like that baseball. I love baseball. A hitter that doesn’t strive to hit a thousand will hit three hundred. A pitcher that does not strive to strike out everybody, or at least to get every out will not have 3.2 [earned run] average. You have to try to the best of your ability every time, to do the best you can.

And that’s why Confession is easy. We’re trying the best we can every single moment, but then we experience God’s Mercy, because we ask for it. Because every time you say, ‘I’m sorry Lord’- it’s not like we beat upon ourselves – it’s the opposite. When you ask for God’s Mercy, He wraps His Arms around you, He says, ‘I love you’. But that’s what He’s calling all of us to do.

The third thing I ask you think about is, have a relationship with Our Lady. I didn’t have a relationship with Her until October the 13th 1988, I was 27 years of age, almost 28. And what a difference in my life it has made. And even when I talk about seeking forgiveness from God, She’s there wrapping Her arms around me saying, ‘Keep going’. The Mother that is encouraging. The Mother that loves us. For 27 years in my life I had no relationship with the Blessed Mother. I had a relationship with Our Lady but not a close one. We all have one whether we want one or not, we have it through the fact that we are created and Jesus gave it, but I didn’t have that close one with Her. All I had was that She was my Mother in a sense, and She was the Mother of Jesus, and that was that. But when I embraced Her as my own Mother, what a difference life makes. And She is so beautiful.

That’s why I’ve been coming back to Medjugorje. One thing I always do before I leave here, I always stay in front of that statue of Our Lady and I always ask Her, ‘One more time!’ And She keeps inviting me. Even this trip. This is the first time I hadn’t been with a group. Our group has left this morning, I arrived two days ago. I couldn’t be with the group because they were coming during the Holy Week and I had to be in my parish. So I left the day after Holy Week. For the first time in 25 years. But She keeps leading me back. Why? Because this is the place where I fell in love with Her.

And what a difference that relationship has in our lives. It not only helps us be better followers of Jesus, but it gives us such a peace, because She is alive. And She loves us so much. Don’t underestimate that because what a difference the comfort of a mother [makes]. When I feel distant from Jesus I just ask Her ‘Please lead me to Your Son Jesus’, and She always does.

And the last thing I want to say is, that every single person here is the most important person and needed by God. Every single one of you.

I got to be coming here since 1988, and I knew father Slavko, and he knew everybody. What an incredible person he was. And these days people might not even know who he is anymore. So even father Slavko, if you can believe it. And he was the spiritual director of the young people, an incredible human being. He established all these things, the devotions, the Holy Hour. The Risen Christ over there – for all these things he was the vessel that God used. He had such a power. I would see people stop him as he was walking, he touched so many lives. You go in that Franciscan store – so many books he wrote. One won’t even know when he had the time. He was such an incredible human being. But he died in 2000, in November, 24th 2000, and people are even beginning to forget him, not even know who he was. [Of course] people who knew him never forget him. Every day I go in front of his grave, at least I try to, and I pray. Because on the following day after he died Our Lady said, ‘Dear children, today I wish to tell you, father Slavko was born into Heaven, and he is interceding [for you]’. He loved pilgrims so much. And he loved everyone so much, and he loved Our Lady so much, and that’s how he was able to love.

So even he can be forgotten, even in this wonderful place, and now people don’t even talk about him anymore. So we’re all going to some day be forgotten, except by God! And when we get to Heaven - Heaven is so beautiful! And He needs every single one of you! Every single one of us! He needs you so much. He loves you so much.

And that’s the appeal I’m making. That is the way we’re called to live – minute by minute, try to be open. [That is] the ideal thing. When the baseball batter goes out to bat, he tries constantly with every single pitch to hit it. And the pitcher tries to make his best pitch every pitch. So we should be the people who are trying every single moment to make it the best moment and to be open to God. Remember what I said when I talked to you about vocations? The most important thing is that we do the will of God. Not what we do, as long as we do the will of God. So this is how much Jesus needs you.